Year Of The Cat

My dearest blog, 

It has been 5 days since I last wrote you. Have you yearned for my thoughts and ideas? Did your days grow cold without the warmth of my words? Have you missed me as if you were the wife of soldier embarking on war that has no end in sight? 

Probably not! 

Hey guys! I am so sorry for the lack of blog posts. I have been stuck in a mix of good days and some spent in my head. I often times experience this feeling of stressed or overwhelmedness that makes me even refuse to look at work or open up anything that could be work... hence not opening my laptop to blog. However, I am slowly getting over that feeling, so hopefully with this upcoming week you'll see more of me here. 

since you last heard from me, I spent many days with a stuffy nose and a fading voice. Gosh, I do not like being sick. I mean who does? I hate sniffling, i absolutely hate blowing my nose in front of people and i despise having any type of coughing fit. Fortunately, I am slowly getting better by the second! This means I can get back to school and back on schedule. 

Aside from being sick, I did get to have some fun this weekend. I saw Izán and we got our major yo-yoing on! We attended the Yo-Yo Invitational hosted by Faye Webster. Is that not so cool? I unexpectedly left with a serious interest in yo-yos (by serious i mean i watched a tik-tok to try one trick and have yet to get it right) Aside from the invitational, We spent a lot time walking around Berkeley just laughing with each other. It's nice, to have someone who makes you laugh. That is one of the building blocks of a wonderful relationship, if you ask me. 

Now we are entering October, by far my busiest month. Next weekend we will be celebrating our 3rd year together, which I'll get into more detail soon because there is a lot to say about it. Halloween will be approaching soon after, and i've got two sweet costumes lined up. Finally, my 21 birthday. 

A lot of things in the upcoming future, some close and some in the distance. I am learning to keep a clear and level head. Talking about how i feel and sharing with those who matter to me. I am working towards being a better me, especially before i start my 21st year. 

I am excited for all the things coming up and I can not wait to share them with you all. I missed you dearly blog, don't think I haven't! I will see you again soon! 

- See ya!! ◡̈

It's You I Like

 I say this with the most frustration : If you can not, AT THE BARE MINIMUM, respect all family styles, do not work with children. 

My tuesday night classroom teacher loves to be a little "risky" in her book choices for class. What is interesting is, "risky" to her, is not risky to me. It is briefly covering a basic human right.. 

Tonight we read 'We Are Little Feminist : Families" by Little Feminist. The book provides representation of a multitude of LGBTQ+ families. After the book ended, we paused at the page of a pregnant trans man. Immediately.. the woman in my class said "Absolutely not, I would not show that in my class because that is so confusing, It looks like a man"  Oh wow! I would hope so, because... It is? She then continued to go on and on about how that was kind of too hard of a concept for her and to explain to children, and she just does not feel comfortable with it. Honestly, I don't think the concept was too hard for her to understand at all. I think she doesn't want to understand. She wants to choose to pretend it isn't right, and because it is wrong it can't be possible. . 

This is a woman responsible for nurturing our young minds, at their most impressionable age. Is that not an insane thought?! 

People have this insane idea that the concept of queer families is far too complex for a preschooler to comprehend. This is not the truth. Kids at that age are just learning, learning what you teach them. If you teach them that. a lesbian family is just like any other family, introduce them in the same way you'd show any other family, kids will see it as... any other family. It is not like these children are missing out on anything either. They still have a stable household, still have loving parents, still have toys and a community supporting them. So why is it so hard to understand? 

There are so many books, showing queer families on pages about going to the park, or reading books. The same way you'd show any other families. Yet, people will still convince you they are trying to influence and change your kids! God the gays are getting into our classrooms! They have always been there!! Always! Your closed mindedness convinced you that they weren't there, they "didn't exist when you were a kid" Queer people have always existed. Just because you weren't shown books about them, didn't mean they weren't there. Your favorite teacher growing up, might have been gay and you probably would've never even known! You are just scared at the fact that queer people are being acknowledge.. Your norm is being challenged in a way that makes you uncomfortable. 

Now let me ask you : What about the future queer children you will teach? If you are reading this, as an educator of any age, ask yourself this question. Your answer will tell you if this is really the career you should pursue. If you can not handle the concept of a little boy coming to school in a dress, purely because he likes it. get out of the classroom! If you are not ready to let a child explore all toys regardless of gender norms, GET OUT OF THE CLASSROOM! If you are teaching older age children, and can not be a safe space for every single child, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation.... GET OUT OF THE DAMN CLASSROOM! 

This should not be up for debate. If you are reading this, and find that you align with any of those types of ideals, please stop checking in on my blog. It is not for you, and I am not taking suggestions.

Like children for who they are, not who you think they should be. 

- See ya! ◡̈

I'm In The Mood For Love

Sigh, it is fall. 

For those of you know me, I tend to think of myself as a hopeless romantic. I am a lover girl at heart. 

you may be wondering, "What does this have to do with fall?" Well all the greatest love stories just sound and feel better when accompanied by a cool breeze, crunchy leaves and skirts with tights. It is just the facts.

For example, possibly one of the greatest romance movies of all time is a fall romcom, When Harry Met Sally.  Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal, guiding us around new york city in a grand tale of will they won't they. Spoiler alert : They did. Throughout the entire movie, the viewers follow their lives and watch them fall for all the wrong people, while the right one was staring them in the face. God isn't that just the most beautifully frustrating plot!? Watching Sally kiss a man so obviously not Harry!! Ugh!! Meg ryan does have the tendency to find herself in situations like this though I mean Sleepless in Seattle, come on! Meg Ryan and Tom freaking Hanks. Insane combo and together they pull off one of the most gut wrenching love stories. Ok, gut wrenching might be a touch dramatic because it doesn't get me sobbing the way The Notebook might BUT the concept of the movie is a sad one. Tom Hanks playing Sam Baldwin, a recently widowed father, with a son who is so desperate for his father to feel loved again. Meg Ryan playing Annie Reed, a reporter in a below average relationship, who can not resist the idea of a man she only heard through the radio. I will do my best to not give away too much of this story for my readers who have yet to watch. I am really doing you a favor by not telling you because I think when a movie hits 30 years old, I can legally spoil it without any repercussions butttt.... i'll zip it for today. 

All that movie talk to say, I love love so much. I think I could've talked on and on about probably a 100 romance movies and why that genre is the greatest film gift we could have ever received. These movies are the feeling of fall in the form of film. I can not resist the romanticization of the fall weather. It is by far the best season. As we are slowly entering the fall, I can feel it in my bones, the desire to throw on a sweater, turn on the fairy lights and listen to Chet Baker. 

Unfortunately, It is averaging 80 degrees. Everyday. IT IS FALL GOD DAMN IT! I should be chilly!! I should be wearing a scarf and still feeling cold!! This is not at all the fall I am trying to romanticize. All summer I stocked up on fall clothing, not icky summer clothes. I do not yearn to be sleeveless, I yearn to be Rory Gilmore and let me tell you, they do NOT have summer in Stars Hollow! It is impossible to have a romantic lover girl over romanticized2 fall under these conditions!  I am hoping in the next couple of weeks, the weather will die down and I will be able to bust out all the cute new things I have been dying to wear, and finally have the fall i have been desperately needing. 

Sorry to get upset about the season, but i feel passionately. If I am sweaty, I am already having a bad day. So for my sake and yours, let's hope that the weather gets colder, so that I can start having happier blog posts. 

Take some time and watch some Meg Ryan tonight. 

- See ya! ◡̈

Electric Relaxation

Hello Blogaroni! 

You are probably thinking "Girl! Where the heck have you been!" i have been booked and busy! Well, actually, i just had a very eventful weekend. 

This weekend, as most of you know by now was Izán's first official day on T! So I spent my whole weekend celebrating and being excited for him. I got him some small gifts, and made him a shirt which came out much better than i thought His roommate did me the favor of picking him up a cake that ALMOST said "it boy!". Believe it or not, that is NOT what i wanted it to say. Either way, it came out fine and we were able to cut a cake in his honor! It was a simple weekend to celebrate the big moment and new changes to come! 

I sometimes feel weird writing about a big moment happening to someone ELSE because it's not really about me at all but I can't help but be so excited!! I want to talk about it with everyone in the world because they all need to know about the great big thing accomplished this weekend! Can't a girl just be proud of her boyfriend!? 

Anyways, I'll let you read more about it on his blog. 

The rest of this weekend was filled with friends and hanging out! We went to a clothing expo this weekend with two of his very cool roommates and I felt very nervous. They are just really effortlessly cool and I sometimes am trying to, ya know, seem cooler.... I know I know, I have to get better at that. I bought a few fun things, one of which is a hot dog shirt that I only realized after resembles a certain woman area... so... that is definitely a sleep shirt... I saw Hailey, who you'll remember from my recent post. She was there with her boyfriend. Of course we saw each other, hugged and immediately started giving each other a haul. She had very cute finds. Her boyfriend gave us a haul out of what felt like the backpack of never ending t-shirts. Reminded me of when magicians pull that handkerchief trick but it was just Dom and his gray jansport. His finds were really good too. They are a couple of sweeties together Seeing her was a great treat, and we even got a sweet picture together!  

It is now Monday, and I am back! I will be back on the grind, promise but I can't make any promises for this weekend though. I also have big plans again. 

Have a great day!

- See ya! ◡̈

Canto A La Madre

Hellooo! 

I am writing this blog surprisingly early. It is 1230 on my work day and It is also Latin Heritage Night! Yay! I have been looking forward to this night for about a month now. 

I have been so excited thinking about what i was going to wear, all the food that parents may be bringing, and a general feeling of just getting to share in something so important to so many of our kids.

Then today, I came to work in my Salvadoran jersey and my black skirt and here come the questions. 

"How are you Salvadoran if you were born here?" "You speak a lot of english... so... what?' "You look asian, are you sure?" 

These questions are of course, coming from kids, so I can't do anything but explain to them the concept of being a mixed kid raised in the bay area. 

I love being Salvadoran, and I love being Filipino. Truly, and sometimes even equally. But in all honesty, i feel as though I will never feel entirely one or the another. I will always be in the space right in between. 

When i was growing up, my parents had gotten divorced. My mom is a Filipino woman, who speaks no tagalog and she has a mom who has no interest in knowing me well enough to begin with, let alone to even try teach me (that is a trauma for a different day) I never went to my Lola's house to watch the tagalog only channels, and have home cooked Filipino food. I did not have the pleasure of experiencing all those traditional Filipino experiences. I did however grow up in Daly City so i was not entirelyyy lacking but even now there are so many things I do not know. The same goes with being Salvadoran. 

Ok, not to that extent at all. I grew up seeing my Abue pretty much every single day, lived right behind her for the majority of my life. I ate all the foods, learned spanish in passing, i watched all the novelas she watched, i even studied a spanish dictionary in the summer. . Then, when i was in middle school, she passed away (Another trauma for another day) When she passed, I lost a lot of it. I didn't really need to speak spanish anymore, I had no one to speak it with. I didn't watch novelas anymore, she wasn't recording them. I didn't pick up the dictionary again. So as i got older, entered my teens, I didn't feel very Salvadoran at all. I mean I was in my blood, the same way I am filipino in my blood. But I didn't know what that meant. I wanted want (?) so desperately to related to all the things and experiences everyone else has. 

It feels super dramatic to say, like wah wah wah. way to whine. about whatever, such a silly dramatic thing to be so in my head about. But that is how it feels in my head today. I just want to know more and celebrate it without feeling like a fraud. Is that universal? 

ANYWAYS..... see ya! ◡̈ 

867-5309 / Jenny

 Hey blog! 

Today I will be talking about friendship and womanhood. 

There is a friend I have made in the last year or so. Well, we have known each other for a little longer than a year but our friendship is still relatively new I think..

We had seen each other once or twice at parties and heard of each other in passing and It wasn't until an unfortunate event occurred that we bonded over our mutual love for chisme. 

Then from that one conversation sprouted a few days of texting, off and on and all those other social media exclusive interactions. We hung out once, and went to the mall and I came home and raved to my boyfriend about "making a potentially really good friend" 

I will say now, that I genuinely believe I have found a good friend in Hailey! If she is reading this, do not think i am a freak please. 

As my loyal readers would know, it can sometimes be hard for me to read how people feel about me, if they like me or don't. Especially people my age. But, Hailey has always been a clear friend. She has been very genuinely herself, and it made it easy to be me! I never felt that weird need to be someone else to impress her or try really hard to be liked. Which is super rare.

Even now, we text each other maybe a handful of times during the day, sometimes inconsistently through the week but i can almost guarantee that i can text her anything that's on my mind and vice versa, and there won't be some weirdness or "why haven't we talked" strangeness that can occur amongst friends. 

That is one of the beautiful things about friendships rooted in womanhood. We are friends with no unnecessary expectations. Just genuine care, support and fun! No strange feelings or weird vibes girls your age can sometimes carry. She is definitely not that way. She is the kind of girl who would tell a stranger she loved her outfit and you'd know truly meant it. You know exactly what I mean. 

This is all to say, It is important to have a few girls in your life you can just rely on. Relying mainly on them to just remain an honest and kind friend I think that is essential for proper development. There is nothing like that feeling.  

So although we have not been friends for forever, it is surely a friendship i would love to continue! That is if she doesn't see me as a total freak for enjoying our friendship. Imagine she is reading this now like "Guys this girl is mad weird we like just met...."

Anyways... See ya! ◡̈ 

Unloveable

 Hello!

I was laying in my bed at 9;30 beginning my nightly scroll when *:gasp* I forgot to blog for the day. Today was sadly a day like any other day, boring and uneventful and stressful. 

I sometimes feel. very disliked at my job, I don't think that that is really true, well maybe, I don't know. I just hate being an inconvenience to anyone, or not fulfilling my job requirements the way they want , or not meeting a teachers expectations. Sometimes i feel like the tiniest fish in a sea of super experienced sharks. 

It feels like everyone just knows what to do, knows how to teach, what to say, what to be doing when and i am a dog waiting for their orders. I know that is super dramatic but it is how it feels. I feel like i am constantly sitting and waiting to be ordered and then, once i receive some kind of praise, will i know that i did the task correctly. Throw a treat at me while you're at it please.  

I love my job, I love teaching and I love forming a connection with the kids everyday. I would hate to fail them, and I would hate even feeling it in the slightest. This is one of those instance where i think i am trying to be likable and please everyone only to end up with the fact that, not everyone is going to like me and that is okay. 

Something I was told was that sometimes it is okay for me to not like someone too. It doesn't have to be up to them to decide where our relationship lies. I think I struggle with this because surprisingly, unlike most people I guess, I want to like them first. I want to be kind, greet them with smiles and be a friend. So sometimes I do like someone, and do see the good in them and then i am stuck once again because I don't know where I stand! Do you enjoy my presence at your place of work or am I nothing more than a weird inconvenience taking up space?? 

I suppose It is just work, not a place to mingle and bond. I just don't want it to become something i dread because i fear being awkward and embarrassing in front of those who already feel iffy about me. 

At the end of the day, all I can do is my job, and try my absolute best to excel at it and prove to everyone that my intentions are only to help the kids. Not inconvenience. 

For myself, all iii can do is stop caring so much about what others think of me. If anything it will lead to my downfall. I need to be stopped. when will it stop?  

I don't know... sooooo now what? guess there is nothing more to say other than - goodnight blog! I hope you rest free of other people's opinions, I certainly won't...

- see ya ◡̈

Lately, Nothing

Hello my lovely readers! 

After thirteen of my own blogs, I have finally convinced my lovely boyfriend, Izán, to try it out! Yippee!! 

He is so great with words and arguably a far better writer than i am. Although we have been together for quite some time now, there are always more things to learn about him. I am excited that he has decided to share more of himself with the world, and that his words will live in one place for as long as he chooses to go through with it (fingers crossed it is a long time). I will link his blog in my blog so that those who choose to read and know me, can also choose to read and know him! 

Aside from that, It is of course, Monday. Yuck! The weather was perfect for a jacket but also perfect for me to build up a ton of gloom. There is something about morning fog to make me question my entire existence. Today the feeling didn't last very long but that isn't always the case.  

Mondays are never filled with very much, so i am stuck here with very little to say. I am starting to wonder if i will ever get better at being more consistent and fascinating in these blogs. I feel like it is common for people to have a lot to say, whether it be their one specific topic or their everyday life, i fear i may be too mundane. I am not sure if that is true, or my insecurities projecting but maybe i will attempt to put myself out there! Create the fun i am desperately yearning to write about! Yeah right. I will love the thought of that, and we'll both see if i end up doing it. Maybe i'll surprise us both! Goodnight blog. 

- See ya! ◡̈

Wake Up Alone

 Hello, 

First let me apologize for missing saturday. I know that I have no real dedicated readers so this apology is falling into a void but I am sorry, maybe more to myself for not doing it and following through with my commitment to blog everyday. 

I remembered to do today's blog because I was lying here in my bed, hoodie on with this big lonely pit in my chest and i thought "Let me do something instead of moping around" 

I sure do hate being alone. I know, I know. I am not alone. I actually had a very eventful day but there is something about a gloomy 6 o'clock in your cold room alone to make you feel quite lonely. I am sure you will come to know that i am definitely influenced by the season and the weather. 

I think a tiny part of me is feeling a bit of yearning, this feeling in my chest is hoping someone will reach out. I don't want to go on sounding very "sighhh notice me" so i will stop that convo here.. 

I got a tattoo today! It was fun and spontaneous, it fulfilled my desire to feel something exciting lately. It is of the star children from howl's moving castle, pretty cool. I got it more so because it is specifically 3 of them, and all my favorite people are normally traveling in a trio. It works for anyone i'm with. It was also 31 dollars, which is a big bonus. 

I haven't really shown it to very many people, i wanted to but like many failed instagram posts i overthought it until i hated it and ultimately archived it. I don't need to show it off, it is okay to keep things to myself! 

I am weirdly looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. I enjoy being busy and having something to just take my mind off of anything that isn't work. I need to be busy, i clearly don't do well alone and doing nothing. (hence the beginning of the blog) 

Right now i am listening to my "soft pink clouds" playlist, which is notoriously my most angsty one, and once this blog is done and put out, i will roll over in bed and scroll tik-tok until bed... did i mention it is only 7:30? anyways.... time for bedrot!

- see ya! ◡̈

Night Changes

HELLO BLOG! 

Today is the first ever two blogs in one day. You are probably thinking "Why are you doing this?" Well today is monumentous. I am using. my boyfriends win, as content. Just kidding! It is truly a moment deserving documentation.

For those of you who don't know, my boyfriend is trans. Now i won't expand of this very much because while it is important to today's blog, it is not really my job to lay down his business here. BUT this is once again, a life changing moment 

I have known my boyfriend for 3 years now. Which is not as long as some of the other people in his life but still. I have seen him through good days and bad. I have come to know him not only romantically, but as a friend with whom i can share secrets, vulnerability and trust. We have had countless nights holding each other and sharing insecurities and lending each other a shoulder. 

Like any girlfriend, it is hard to hear the harsh realities of the world through a lens only your boyfriend has. Through my many attempts to wear the lens myself, I could never fully grasp the way my boyfriend feels and has felt for quite some time. 

But today, we can finally put some of the feelings to rest. Today, he mustered up the courage to do the work, make the calls, and finally. 

He will be receiving his first T-shot next week.  YAY! EVERYONE SAY YAY! 

He is one step closer to feeling like the man he has always wanted to be. The excitement and joy on his face alone is enough to convince me this has to be a universal opportunity for people everywhere (duh), though that isn't the point of today's blog. 

I have known him through so many stages of his life, and am constantly watching him change. This is a new change that i am so glad i get to witness. I can't even begin to delve in to how really this makes me feel without getting toooo emotional so just know i am more than happy. 

For anyone who may read this one day, he is proof, it is possible! 

- See ya! ◡̈

With A Little Help From My Friends

There is nothing more healing than a fun talk with your friends. 

Tonight, I am having a phone call with two of my favorites in the world, My boyfriend and his best friend - Bryan! 

We use to talk and text a lot a lot when the groupchat formed but in true bestie fashion, we let life pull us in different directions! So the contact becomes a little less common, but tonight. 

tonight, we randomly started a phone call and have been here now for more than an hour now and it has been so silly and so fun.. 

That is what life is about, silly and fun with your fun little friends! 

Tonight we have talked romance, classroom freaks, and everything weird in between! I, of course, had to embarrass myself at least once by pulling out the naruto headband and hit a few of the hand seals... believe it! Mega cringe of me, but in the wise words of my good friend Hailey, "to be cringe is to be free". So i let them have that little window into my strange middle/high school life. 

There is not very much more to say about this other than, as much as i value my solitude, and truly truly do love it... i love a good chat sesh with my friends! 

- see ya! ◡̈

Why Do I Cry?

Why must I take back how i feel the moment the words are said? 

In the last couple of years, I have become so afraid of vulnerability and honesty. I have this strange pit in my gut from telling anyone any negative or sad feeling that may be bothering me and i am not sure why. 

Even as i am sitting here writing this, I feel something tugging at me, like i shouldn't be writing about something so personal or unimportant to the people who may read this. I am even struggling to write it without wanting to burst into tears and I haven't even said anything really. 

I think this is what it is : I am worried to be vulnerable and be faced with backlash.. Imagine trying to be honest about something, and being told you are being silly or dramatic and just be brushed off. I get worried that someone will even read this and roll their eyes and the thought alone is enough to make me not want to say anything. 

Sometimes it is just because i feel like whatever it is i want to say is just "silly". That is always how i put it "It's okay, it's silly" and that one word makes it okay for me to brush it to the side and bury it in my heart until, of course, it festers and makes its way out in a way that would have been avoided had i just talked about it before. 

I am also, so worried that I will finally put myself out there, ask for what I need and be forgotten about. There is already such long debate about whether or not to put it out there, that when I do, and It is quickly forgotten, I get the desire to do it less and less. 

Wah wah wah, it is all just a lot of yada yada. I don't know what more there is to say about it. I am hopeful that maybe the blog will help me release these emotions so we will see. 

- See ya! ◡̈

Movin' Out

Hello Blog! 

I think today may just be a jumble of thoughts and things. Maybe we can call it that "Thoughts and Things" 

Right now, I am sitting in my tuesday night class. It is a class on emerging literacy! Which is very fun and i absolutely love that. The people in the class are alright, some with very radiant and kind personalities and others are.... here as well! One of the people in this class is a woman i previously worked with who truthfully leaves an unsavory taste in my mouth. This post will not be a rant of all things she has done to cause this, although it could be... but maybe we can start a chisme subsection in the future. 

That is one thing i would absolutely love. A "Letters to Juliet:" moment where people ask me for advice on anything and everything. Where would i get these suggestions? I guess I could just scour the internet and find someone on reddit or something who is begging for advice. Maybe i can do it on the days i am in "blog drought" 

But am i even qualified to give advice on anything? probably not. I will still do it anyways though because it is my blog and no one else's! If i want to, i shall. I ideally would want one of those fun little "tear the paper and call here" kind of thing. I think however, that is super outdated and irrelevant. Do people even tear them anymore? I do, but for journal purposes which i should probably stop doing cause that's not the point of them. 

Anyways, a chisme column + advice column, basically more reason to just get yapping about extra nonsense that has nothing to do with anything. Also, i want to call you guys something cute other than readers or saying "hello blog", that was just a random little thing but i will workshop that on my own time.. 

This blog has now trickled a little into Wednesday on accident, and this morning I woke up feeling a little burnt out. Once this is posted, I will begin to think about what to say for  tomorrow. But for the next ten minutes i will sit here and do my best to remain, calm. 

- see ya! ◡̈

That Funny Feeling

There it is again, that funny feeling. 

Another school shooting has struck.. 

How do you find the words to write about such a thing? 

In the last two days, I have seen a handful of tik toks. All saying something along the lines of "How am i expected to become a teacher knowing I may have to lay down my life for to protect these kids?" Long lists of comments full of people who changed careers paths, know someone who has, or is considering it. All for this reason. People telling stories about how sometimes they stare at their students knowing that that is a possibility. What an unfortunate thing weighing on the minds of educators and students everywhere. We should be worried about recess, and tests. Not our safety. 

I walked in to school this morning feeling a heavy weight on my shoulders mixed with a small breath of relief. The relief of seeing them there. Seeing all of the kids I get the lovely opportunity to know and then i am quickly reminded this is not true for everyone. 

Every time something like this happens, i am shot back into reality. We aren't even safe in our schools. A place to learn, grow and for some, a safe haven away from home. One of the last places you'd expect, yet here we are, and it never ends. 

I was going to apologize for the sadness in this post, but I am not sorry! I am going to keep it real with you always! This is what is on my mind today. 

- see ya ◡̈

Where You Lead

The way Lorelai has Sookie and Rory has Lane, I have Sara. 

I do not want to get all touchy feely about it, especially because me and sara really aren't that way. I mean don't get me wrong, we hug and say we miss each other and love each other but we are the type to get too sappy or emotional together. 

Some nights I get in my feelings, and wish I had grown up with that tv show style "best friend". You know, the one that isn't your family but is at your house all the time. The one you knew since pre-k and it is always some magical friendship full of sleepovers and late nights. 

The truth is, I have absolutely no reason to "wish" for that! I had it! Not in the fake sitcom kind of way, but the real way! Except my best friend, is my family and rarely ever in my home. This doesn't change the value of the relationship in any way at all. 

We have had countless sleepovers at our aunts, christmases, thanksgivings and birthdays spent together. But it wasn't until high school that we really really became friends. At least that is how i feel. We were always cousins, but we became good friends. 

We spent a lot of time together, laughing and being silly and supportive of everything. We started calling each other and texting all the time. We became roommates, and then stopped being roommates. I moved home and she stayed. This transition was particularly hard. 

But even when we don't talk, nothing ever changes between us. We always click instantly as if no time has passed, and I think that is truly solidifies our friendship. We have both had our share of ups and downs, I have been her shoulder and she has been mine! 

even though i rarely say it, she is without a doubt my best friend! 

- see ya! ◡̈

My Little Corner Of The World

 If there is one thing i absolutely love, It is thrifting. 

My favorite activity is hopping on the bus, putting on my headphones and getting dropped off about three blocks away from my all time favorite thrift store. I like to walk up and down every single aisle (more than once) for hours. I pay close attention to what color tag is on sale, what sections i should rush to before the other cool people my age attack it, and whats on all the racks of things that have yet to be put up. 

I did not always have this love of thrift stores. 

When I was younger, my aunt use to take me to the goodwill up the hill from where she lived. This was one of my more dreaded experiences. She would make me look at all the aisles of kids clothing. Picking out all the things i wouldn't want to wear. Sometimes it felt like she was doing it on purpose. She knew me and my dad preferred darker, more neutral colors, so of course she picked the pinks, purples and greens.. 

But the colorful clothes and silly dresses weren't really the reason why I hated this experience. I always had this idea that it was negative to thrift your clothes, or to buy things secondhand. I am not really sure where i learned to feel that way but i want to believe it was at school. Kids making fun of each other for wearing payless or anything but the cool trendy graphic tees. So i spent a lot of time avoiding the place i beg to go to now. 

Last year I finally got to go with my aunt to that favorite thrift store i mentioned in the beginning. I took her on "EVERYTHING 50% OFF" day too., the best day. We spent maybe 2 hours in there together and both left very happy It felt nice to do that with her and enjoy it. What once was something i disliked doing together became a fun bonding time for us years later. 

I hope the thrift gods bless you the way they blessed me today! - see ya! ◡̈

Anyone Else But You

 I wondered how many blogs it would take me before i talked about... him. 

The answer was five. It took all of five posts. Now let me be very clear, i was not avoiding this certain someone. I just wanted to be sure that I gave him a proper introduction rather than just throwing his name into a blog post as a passing character. 

He will be the star of many posts. He will be the main factor in a lot of funny stories and chances are if i say i received any advice - it's from him. There aren't many ways to put it other than, it was kismet! We connected instantly. There was absolutely none of that weird talking stage, or the getting to know each other awkwardness. It was like the moment we met, we laughed and talked as if we had known each other for a lifetime. 

One of the first times we ever really laughed together was an accidental sighting. Well for me, it was purely coincidence he was there, but if you ask him he'll tell you he planted himself there in hopes to be in the right place at the right time. Anyways back to the story. I was on my way out of my dorm heading over to buy some tape. In front of me, i see the back of his head. Or at least i thought it was. I walked past him and went into the store and texted "Was that you or someone who looks like you?" Spoiler alert : it was him. So i quickly bought the tape and ran out to sit right beside him. Before this, we had only had lunch together so this was our first really casual conversation 

I remember sitting there with my hands in my lap, facing forward a lot of the time. I sat right beside him the whole time thinking about all those silly girl things like how good he smelled and how cute he looked, how nice his hair was, how funny he was. After 2ish hours of talking about angry birds, kids tv shows and childhood memories i finally got the text : "Hey, what happened to the tape?" 

OH MY GOD. that's why i was out here in the first place! I apologized and told him i had to go and that i would see him again very soon. I did do exactly that, and have been every day for the last 3 years. 

In that time, he has been not only a part time lover but a full time friend. Just like the song says, i really don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but him.. 

My 3/4 and the evershining sun to my moon! i can't wait for you guys to get to know him!! 

- see ya! ◡̈ 

p.s ilyttb! 

Better Distractions

What do you do when you are constantly bored and yearning? 

You pick up a million half assed hobbies! What else would you do? the current one is blogging, clearly. But i have picked up crochet, painting, sculpting, the ukulele for about a month, boxing and a ton of other little things. 

I wish I knew why i struggled with maintaining a single hobby for more than a month! I think truly i am addicted to the idea of learning a hobby. I enjoy buying all the things, setting myself up for success, doing all the research and when that is all done, I can't help but be bored all over again! 

 

I am bringing this up because it is only the 4th blog post and.i am fresh out of ideas! It is far too soon to abandon the blog now! You guys just started getting to know me!! I think I am putting too much pressure on myself to make all sorts of witty, fun and cute stories but sometimes even this yapper runs out of words! 

Today i wrote 3 posts before sticking with this one and to me they all absolutely sucked. I kept persisting because i really don't want this to be just another hobby. Just think about how fun it would be to be so invested in this and have a huge archive of things i have said! so here i am, 8 o'clock at night typing quietly in the back of my class doing my best to conjure something up for you to read 

 someone told me earlier today that it doesn't have to be fun or crazy interesting, it can just be how i feel. So i will do my best to remember that, and make sure these aren't typed so randomly last minute lol.

Apologies for the sort of short rant today! Tomorrow will be better! 

see ya! ◡̈

Ballad Of A Homeschooled Girl

 Don't let the title mislead you : i have never been homeschooled 

Olivia Rodrigo perfectly sums up what it means to be a completely embarrassing girl. Unfortunately i know she does it perfectly because i am the embarrassing girl.. 

Now in my first blog post, i said my reader has to be okay with my sometimes over dramatic personality. This is going to be one of those cases.. 

I am almost 90% sure i am constantly doing something freakish or embarrassing. I don't know why but for some reason, the last two years i have just become the biggest weirdo to myself! I feel like every interaction i have i am just constantly saying the wrong thing, or not being funny, or am sitting too awkwardly or breathing weird. 

Is this a universal experience??? 

I think i know why this is happening to me. 

Sadly, I care too much about being liked. Now if you read yesterdays blog, you're probably thinking " Wow... Yesterday she cared about being cool... now she cares about being liked... yikes! This girl sure does care." 

YOU'RE RIGHT. I care way too much. That might be a reoccurring theme here. It is really affecting me because i use to love to hang out with new people, or make new friends. NOW, i want to lock myself in my room, be alone and pray that i don't magically make a fool of myself. I have this fear that if i do decide to interact, i will just be weird. So why even put myself in that position?

I want to change this! In the upcoming months, i want to be more authentically me and be me in more social spaces! I will make an effort to text and hang out with more friends! 

Despite how Olivia makes me feel, i do NOT "make it weird or make it worse" at least i hope so.... 

ANYWAYS... have a good one! see ya! ◡̈

Cool Schmool

 Hello! 

Today I thought I would start off with an issue of mine. This is a problem I have had since.... possibly birth? OK. Maybe not that young, but the earliest memory is definitely elementary school. 

I was not the most popular girl in school, but what is "popular" when you're in the second grade anyways? I was however, friends with the popular girls, so i must've been doing something right. I would hope so, because I tried really hard. 

One day in the third(?) grade, a former friend of mine had come to school with the most beautiful half up side ponytail, half down hair (which i wouldn't be caught dead in now) and I was obsessed. So, like any little girl, I went home and BEGGED for my hair to be done that same way the next day. 

Except, I didn't beg to my cool older sister, I begged to my single dad. Who throughout all of elementary school perfected two hairstyles. A very, almost military slick back ponytail. and a very slicked back half up half down look. This is in no way a diss to my dad. He taught himself to do it, and he did it every single morning with no help from anyone! A true hero. 

BUT, he had JUST started to master those two looks, when i presented him with the concept of the new one, of course he was reluctant. I informed him, that this new magical look, was basically a combination of the two he already knows really well! So it should be no big deal! He told me he wasn't sure if it would look the way it looked on her because i forgot to mention, HER hair was about shoulder length, and my hair was to my butt. He kept telling it might be a really long... side... ponytail. BUT i was determined to look like my friend. So he did the look! YAY! 

Then I got a glimpse of it, and hated it. I didn't ask him to fix it or take it down because i had already begged so much to have it. So i spent the whole car ride to school, thinking about how i looked nothing like my cool friend. 

This whole story was to basically say, even now at my adult age, i find myself trying to look like my "cool" friend. Then am constantly faced with the fact that i just don't. This doesn't just apply to my clothes or hair, it's the same with hobbies and personalities. 

I want so desperately to be the "cool and mysterious girl with the cool grungy outfits and the hard exterior" 

BUT,  I am not her! I am me! I won't ever be mysterious or quiet, but. I think I can still manage to be cool..  

I think being yourself might actually be the key to being cool? I've yet to try successfully but if it works out, i'll definitely let you know! 

- See ya! ◡̈

Is this thing on?

Hello!

This is my first ever blog post!!! Like most things I do, I absolutely overthought the background, the font, the colors, the username., etc. All those things that really don't matter. It took me about 4 days to even muster up the courage to say "Hey, I think I want to blog?"  But.., what really matters is : WHy am i choosing to start a blog? 

Well, recently a coworker of mine told me about a blog that he has been running for the last 18 years. I thought this was insane because i don't know if there is a single thing i'd enjoy doing for more than a month(?). I spent the last two weeks or so, refreshing his blog every morning and reading about all the things he had to say! 

As i was reading one of the more recent ones, i thought about how nice it would feel to have all my thoughts and big feelings in one space for someone to read. I enjoy knowing that someone might wake up and refresh MY blog and read about all of MY endless nonsense. Even if no one does, just the thought that someone might care about it is enough for me. There is also of course, all the yada yada about 'talking about my feelings" and "opening up and being vulnerable" which are all good reasons to start a blog too, just not my reason. I am doing it purely for the potential fans! you're welcome. I am kidding of course! I am doing it for the one person, who might care to read this once a week if i'm lucky! 

Of course, this someone is going to also have to be willing to put up with the terrible grammar, sometimes very overdramatic feelings and all the bad days. But i promise to reward those who read with silly anecdotes, romantic love letters and pretty good song recommendations too. 

SO, I hope this was enjoyable, and that i do it for more than a week.. SEE YA! ◡̈