Unloveable

 Hello!

I was laying in my bed at 9;30 beginning my nightly scroll when *:gasp* I forgot to blog for the day. Today was sadly a day like any other day, boring and uneventful and stressful. 

I sometimes feel. very disliked at my job, I don't think that that is really true, well maybe, I don't know. I just hate being an inconvenience to anyone, or not fulfilling my job requirements the way they want , or not meeting a teachers expectations. Sometimes i feel like the tiniest fish in a sea of super experienced sharks. 

It feels like everyone just knows what to do, knows how to teach, what to say, what to be doing when and i am a dog waiting for their orders. I know that is super dramatic but it is how it feels. I feel like i am constantly sitting and waiting to be ordered and then, once i receive some kind of praise, will i know that i did the task correctly. Throw a treat at me while you're at it please.  

I love my job, I love teaching and I love forming a connection with the kids everyday. I would hate to fail them, and I would hate even feeling it in the slightest. This is one of those instance where i think i am trying to be likable and please everyone only to end up with the fact that, not everyone is going to like me and that is okay. 

Something I was told was that sometimes it is okay for me to not like someone too. It doesn't have to be up to them to decide where our relationship lies. I think I struggle with this because surprisingly, unlike most people I guess, I want to like them first. I want to be kind, greet them with smiles and be a friend. So sometimes I do like someone, and do see the good in them and then i am stuck once again because I don't know where I stand! Do you enjoy my presence at your place of work or am I nothing more than a weird inconvenience taking up space?? 

I suppose It is just work, not a place to mingle and bond. I just don't want it to become something i dread because i fear being awkward and embarrassing in front of those who already feel iffy about me. 

At the end of the day, all I can do is my job, and try my absolute best to excel at it and prove to everyone that my intentions are only to help the kids. Not inconvenience. 

For myself, all iii can do is stop caring so much about what others think of me. If anything it will lead to my downfall. I need to be stopped. when will it stop?  

I don't know... sooooo now what? guess there is nothing more to say other than - goodnight blog! I hope you rest free of other people's opinions, I certainly won't...

- see ya ◡̈