I Know The End

 How many times am i going to keep talking about IT?

i am sorry for going MIA on my blog for a little, but of course i am back because i need to just vent and get it all out there. 

basically, i have been watching The Summer I Turned Pretty with my boyfriend, and i enjoy it, and i like hearing the drama and blah blah blah. BUT i am absolutely blinded by the mother stuff, like a knife in my chest every time a Belly and laurel scene comes on. It is just all too real. Watching her yearn for her mom, be sad that she isn't included in all of the wedding stuff, and just want her mom there. It is so sad, and tragic and a feeling i know all too well. I mean it is different though, for Belly, her mom has a valid reason. and Belly is sad because she's losing a piece of her that she has always had by her side. I am missing a piece that wasn't there to begin with. But still, i resonate either way. Both girls who want our mom. 

But in this last episode, it changed. She and her mom made up, they forgave each other! They hugged it out, and shared a sweet moment and everything was better!!! 

That probably won't happen to me. 

We will not hug it out and forgive each other. We will not watch movies on the couch and cuddle. We won't become best friends, we are barely mother and daughter. 

and as angry as i am at her, i want my mom! I want all that stuff everyone else has. I pushed and pushed her away, and everytime i said i wished she'd stop, deep down i was begging for her to try harder. I mean come on. Even now, i am still hoping she'll call!. I don't even know what i'd say. I guess i am looking for some idea of her in my head. But even if i had it, it wouldn't even be the way it is for everyone else, that's just the sad reality. She'll still be exactly the way she is, and i will still be searching for more. So who is wrong here? Me, who is always hoping she'll change even though i know better, or her, who never actually will? 

I wonder if things like this keep her up too, maybe we are alike in that way. I think about her having moments like this, and for a few seconds i almost feel bad for her. Then i remember she is the mom, and i am right here. 

anyways, when i am done being sick, i will run to the first person i see for a hug. and it will probably be so embarrassing how quickly i will fall to my knees. 

- see ya 

Touching Toes

 Love, love, love, love, love.

How many times can i write about the same things?! I don't know why but when it pertains to izán, i can discuss it over and over and over again. 

I am just so in love. Today i stared at a photobooth picture we took this past sunday, and compared it to one from 3 years ago, when suddenly it hit me. We have been together for almost 4 years. we are growing side by side. In those 4 years, i have felt nothing but in love. You know, you hear about in movies and stuff, even real life, that sometimes people just fall out of love. People just stop, and I think before we met, I thought that was the norm. So when one year passed, and he was still into me... i was cautious, and pleasantly surprised. but then 2, and 3 and i knew i was madly in love and wouldn't you know, so was he. Now into 4 years, it has become clear, we are not one of those stories about a the tragic fading of a true romance, we are the long lasting soulmate story. I see him and I just know. There are so many moments where it feels almost like that slow-mo scene where the girl stares at the guy talking and laughing in the distance and it is at that moment in the movie you know who the love interest is. That is how our entire relationship feels!!!!

This relationship, this boy, has changed everything about love for me. Love is friendship, love is laughing, crying and talking all night. Love is being unapologetically you. Love is showing everything about yourself, good and even the bad, and instead of running and hiding, he asks for it all. tenfold. 

It is probably nauseating how much i can go on and on. Some days it can even feel embarrassing to wear my heart so publicly. But then, we spend. a simple sunday together and i remember that this is the entire point. What is there to do if not fall in love? I understand, it isn't all there is to life (for you single people reading this) but god it is beautiful. There is nothing embarrassing about this love, not even in the slightest. 

The Grudge

I am sitting here at my laptop, thinking of all the things i want to say and i am stuck at how to start.. Originally I wanted to start with something like "When i was younger I looked up to my mom" or "There was a time where we laughed, did our hair and shared stories" But there was none of that. I can't really think of one. 

As I am sure I mentioned, my parents got divorced when I was super young. A lot my early years were spent with my sister resenting her, her occasionally picking me up from school and half-assed hang outs. You know, when i was in elementary school, my dad went to starbucks every morning, and left me in the car to call my mom to tell her i was on my way to school. She rarely ever picked up, I listened to that damn "Sorry.. But the person you are trying to reach is not available please leave a message for ***-***-**** after the tone" That was how I memorized my moms number. I always thought "Wow she must be sleeping, it's okay" but as i am writing right now, I think she just didn't want to answer lol. I mean it isn't really funny but I started school at the same time every day, i called around the same time... so i don't know. 

My dad would drop me off with her, despite me not really wanting to go every time. We'd hang out, she'd buy me McDonalds and we'd sit in her apartment and watch a show for a few hours and then I'd go home. Never really anything crazy. Never anything planne.d. Never anything special. As I got older it became going to the mall, and buying me stuff. Which always felt like some weird way to prove herself. Like she bought me whatever I wanted, it must've been good. 

I don't know why I am telling you this. Like it is some sort of pity party. But I just feel hurt. I am 22 this year and still want my mom. I feel like a kid. But I do. I want her to call and text me, do mom stuff with me. Do my hair, or my makeup, or I don't even know. I want it, I do. But unfortunately, I have too much pride, and I am not going to beg my own mom to be my mom. I just wish sometimes she would be the parent, and acknowledge that me and my sister are great, and she's sucky for always missing out on how great we are. no thanks to her. I just feel like we have been doing this my whole life, I am exhausted. We deserve more. You are only across the bridge, just try. It is not impossible. 

II.Shadows

Hello blog! 

i feel like every so often i yearn for writing my blog, and i do it consistently for like 5 days. I want to get better. I do. I want to try. But you know, I just get so consumed by crafting something extremely perfect and exciting to read. I guess i think you have more expectations. I say "you" but who reads these anyways really? Maybe that is the other part of it, like i don't want to write because i am just shouting into this void and no one is even seeing it. 

Anyways, maybe if i was consistent then people would check it out more often. Whatever. Right now I am in my summer school classroom listening to "How soon is now?" by the Smiths. I share this room with 2 other people. I use to complain about sharing my room with 1 other person but at least i could talk to her. Here the 3 of us just sit in silence like freaks. We also have gotten what feels like - absolutely no work done. I know that attendance was going to be super all over the place but truthfully it feels like a waste of time - but i am still relatively new so i don't know who to make that complaint to. I spend 90% of my day in my classroom on my phone yearning for someone to give me any kind of task. My other two coworkers do the same. It is so boring - but hey. I am getting paid. I will not look this gift horse in the mouth. It is just a lot of "i can't do this until I do this but i can't do that until this is done" and they are kind of all things out of my control? I brought some stuff to work on my letter to hailey, so today i will hopefully have something to do. 

OMG! Hailey just got engaged! that is definitely an update for you guys! I am so unbelievably happy for her. You do not understand you guys, she is the kindest most pure of heart girl I know in the entire world. I literally am constantly in awe of her. You don't know how excited i am for this girl. Her FIANCÉ is named Dom (new character reveal) and him I knew before I met Hailey. I just remember everyone telling me he had a white girlfriend and i was always like .... mmm... white... (little did i know i would become absolutely obsessed with this diva!) They match each others vibes in such a crazy way. I have not met a sweeter more compatible couple. and they are going on 5 years. I can not wait for their wedding, I just know i will cry actual puddles of tears. Anyways - the letter will most likely be wedding or love related because ultimately i am a lover girl - so although not my engagement - it shall consume me. 

The Salazar family picnic is coming up. yippee! I am typically very pumped about this but a lot of people are not coming - boo! BUT this will be the first time izán comes to it anddddd hailey and dom! So i am super pumped about that! I am a little nervous to introduce my boyfriend to everyone cause they can be kind of weird sometimes but overall I am excited. I hope I do NOT have to introduce him in spanish. Also my sister is bringing her boyfriend.... YAY!! He is a really kind guy who really matches her energy. I think everyone will absolutely love him. 

I don't really have much more to say. Those are just some tiny updates for you. 

Where Everybody Knows Your Name ( Cheers Theme)

 Here i am : yearning for the familiar. 

It is my first day at my summer school site - right now actually it is 8:49 on my very first day. My first day is only just getting started but I am sitting at my "desk" ( it's a table) and i find myself missing my coworkers! Is that like totally lame? 

I remember when i first started working there, I was so nervous. Not in like a scared way, but more nervous about being somewhere new. I was shy to talk to teachers, ask for help and overall put myself out there. As months passed, I began to really enjoy it. I found friends in the teachers i supported. I found kids who solidified every single day that this is in fact my purpose. I found so much joy! 

May was the end of my second year working there, so let me be very clear this isn't some like ten year long bond with them lol, i know i am writing about it super passionately.  I am just super bad at the weird getting to know people and small talk part of work and friendship ( saying friendship really feels like a stretch i am literally only going to be working here for a month) and at my school, I had already gotten over that weird slump! I know them already! I can walk into a classroom and support any teacher( or just bother them)  because I knowwww them already! 

Here is all weird because I don't know these people!! Who do i bug when. i have a slump in my day? Who is the Caven equivalent?! Who will lend me their keys?!?! I don't know, it is all just so strange and unfamiliar to me.. but i guess everything i know now was unfamiliar to me at some point? As much as a i complain sometimes about work, and dragging my feet to get out of bed i would much rather be there than here. That sounds dramatic, im sure this feeling will pass within a week and i will be back to feeling normal. I might even like it. But for now, I will yearn! 

but i can't help but want to go where everybody knows my name

see ya! ◡̈

Motion Sickness

Okay, I am about to drop some lore that i have yet to reveal on here. 

anyone who knows me for the most part, knows about my... mom. 

My parents have been divorced since i was in the first grade. Honestly, I do not have very memories of my parents being TOGETHER at all. There was definitely the time when we lived together, all of us, but that just feels like a living arrangement in my mind. I don't really have any memories in my head about spending family time together, doing breakfast or hanging out. I am sure we did, but point is i do not remember. 

What I do know is, for as long as i have been alive -  i have always been my dad's daughter. When we lived together, and my dad would go out, i would cry to my mom about how i just wanted my dad to come back. When my parents finally left each other, it felt obvious to me that I would be with my dad. When i was young i never even questioned it. My mom never felt like a parent to me, just like some lady who bought me McDonalds after school before I saw my dad. 

there are so many stories i could tell about the mysterious woman i call "mom" 

but today I will tell the most recent one. 

On May 9th, I did a volunteer event for Trixie Mattel at the Fox theater, that's the one in Oakland, OBVIOUSLY. It was 11 o'clock when i was about to make my way out, and i see my mom. This is weird because my mom lives in San Francisco, and even weirder thing is I hadn't seen her since January and hadn't texted her (other than one text about the pope) for about 2 months. So imagine my surprise when I am walking out of a place that is like 10 minutes away from my house and see MYYYY mom. 

I stopped to talk to her, which thinking about it later, i probably should've let it be but my heart would not let me. Like if i had walked away, I'd be missing pieces of the story.. so, I stopped. She stared at me processing and processing. Then it hit her. Then all the questions came flooding. 

"Why didn't you tell me you were here!? What are you doing here?! Alone?! Where is your dad? He couldn't come get you? Why didn't you tellllllllll me? I wish i would have known!" 

and whatever, whatever whatever. 

You know, it didn't bother me at first but the more time passes the more it feels strange. 

She was there with her coworkers - of course. She is confused why I didn't tell her, but if i am correct, she didn't tell me either. I was there alone because that's okay! It's okay to do things alone sometimes, I don't need anyone to have fun! My dad was home. It was around 11 o'clock at night, he had just come from work. He was tired. Unlike her, he fathers and works all day every single day. He can not do everything, all the time. I know to her it is a hard concept to understand because she is always on a break from being mom! sometimes i am not sure she even really started LOL. He didn't come get me, and i am glad he didn't. I didn't tell her because why would I have? She is so out of the loop with what I do , I would have never expected she would even care! I didn't know she was into something like that! I didn't know she'd come all the way to Oakland on a random friday in May! She barely makes it to oakland when we ask! 

The weirdest part of all is - my mom has a life without me and my sister. She goes out on Friday nights, with friends. She has a life and does not care about my plans!! She says but she doesn't. 

In the end, my mom has always caused this snowball of thoughts in my mind unfortunately. she will forever be a mystery to me. 

It Isn't Perfect But It Might Be

 Here is today's question: When did it become embarrassing to be in love? 

I wrote this blog a few days ago and then i deleted it cause i thought "meh, what if this is too real?" which honestly, i really regret doing that because it was a pretty good blog. Anyways, I remembered it doesn't matter! It is MY blog, so actually i can say and do whatever i want! 

so back to my question. i am what some might call a hopeless romantic, i am a lover of all things love. I am rooting for love in almost every single scenario. Some like to throw dirt at romantics like me because we can be a bit naive when it comes to love. I am not naive, i am well aware of the reasons why some people do not care for romance, or finding someone. that does not however, stop me from being hopeful!

and this is not to dismiss the power of friendship, and platonic love. I love friends and the idea of finding a soulmate in your childhood bestie. I am simply saying, i love romantic love too. 

I mean, i have always been this way. I've been dreaming of weddings since i knew what one was. I am not ashamed to say that. It is lovely, the idea that there is someone out there who loves you, one person, YOUR person! 

You all know my boyfriend, well this year will make 4 years. 4 years of endless love! Our entire relationship we have encountered people who attempt to diminish what we have. Some have even tried to convince us it is all fake... why would keep this act up for 4 years you guys? come on. It's just strange. When we first started dating, we had loads of comments about how our posts must be staged, or that we were lying entirely on social media about how we really felt for each other? Isn't that so silly? If people weren't seeing us as a fake couple, then they assumed we had to be glued at the hip to the point of becoming one person. We aren't allowed to share a smile from across the room because god forbid, how dare we subject people to us looking at each other? We can't talk to each other at a party without some weird accusation about getting freaky? Maybe we can manage to be friends, and people too you guys? 

But this has been going on for 3.5 years. Why?! it is always something. We can't share a kiss without some kind of cringe, or say something kind without repulsion. 

For 3.5 years, I have felt like I had some obligation to water down how I feel about my boyfriend for the comfort of others! Almost like, I have to keep it some kind of secret? Why does love have to be hidden to be real? I would like to be able to talk about how I feel about him without any assumptions that I am either bragging or over compensating for some really bad relationship. Has it crossed anyones minds that maybe I can just really like him? As a boyfriend, and more so as my friend? 

AND let me say this - for every hopeless romantic, there is a skeptic looking them right in the face. maybe skeptic isn't the word, realist maybe. I mean come on, Meg March and Jo March. Charlotte York and Miranda Hobbes. Rory Gilmore and Lane Kim. Manny Santos and Emma. We can go on forever. 

The only place you can really talk love is with another girl who really gets it! normalize loving unapologetically.