In the last couple of years, I have become so afraid of vulnerability and honesty. I have this strange pit in my gut from telling anyone any negative or sad feeling that may be bothering me and i am not sure why.
Even as i am sitting here writing this, I feel something tugging at me, like i shouldn't be writing about something so personal or unimportant to the people who may read this. I am even struggling to write it without wanting to burst into tears and I haven't even said anything really.
I think this is what it is : I am worried to be vulnerable and be faced with backlash.. Imagine trying to be honest about something, and being told you are being silly or dramatic and just be brushed off. I get worried that someone will even read this and roll their eyes and the thought alone is enough to make me not want to say anything.
Sometimes it is just because i feel like whatever it is i want to say is just "silly". That is always how i put it "It's okay, it's silly" and that one word makes it okay for me to brush it to the side and bury it in my heart until, of course, it festers and makes its way out in a way that would have been avoided had i just talked about it before.
I am also, so worried that I will finally put myself out there, ask for what I need and be forgotten about. There is already such long debate about whether or not to put it out there, that when I do, and It is quickly forgotten, I get the desire to do it less and less.
Wah wah wah, it is all just a lot of yada yada. I don't know what more there is to say about it. I am hopeful that maybe the blog will help me release these emotions so we will see.
- See ya! ◡̈
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