Before the World Was Big

 Turning 21. 

This is a blog I have strangely been dreading. I do not like to think about getting older and all that comes with it. Even typing it just makes it slightly more real. 

All my life, though I would never admit it to anyone besides here.  I have tried growing up faster than I should've. Always pretending to know better. Always moving too fast. Now, i am getting older and I want to go backwards.. I want to be a kid again. I want to come home from school, only worried about multiplication charts and club penguin. I want to be the little girl that sat on the armrest of my dads recliner for years, watching tv every night.  

I will not do that again. I won't be that girl again. There was a last time doing that and I didn't even know! Take me back! Let me be there for one more second please!!! 

I know, I know, "Marysela you are not going back! you are here and you must keep going!!" okay. okay. 

Turning 21! 

I am excited and fortunate. I am getting older, and changing in ways I never thought. I am learning, and growing. I am making new friends, and growing up with the old. I am so lucky and so loved! the same amount, if not more than when I was little. I am still the little girl I was deep down. I still look for my dad when things get tough. Still pretend to know better. BUT I am taking it slower now, and loving it. I will love being 21, like i have loved all the years in the past. 

see ya and see ya soon November 5th! ◡̈

Don't Let Me Down

 Hello sweet reader! (read that in the tune of "Sweet Creature")

Halloween is approaching. Cue the scary music, bring out ghouls and goblins, and get the costumes! 

I am a big fan of any excuse to dress up. I absolutely love it. I will say however, sometimes dressing up is not always a big fan of me. 

I have this weird thing where I buy all sorts of clothes, for a body that unfortunately looks nothing like mine. I love to purchase clothing for someone much smaller than I, then I go home, after building up a ton of anticipation, try on the clothes and then try not to freak out when things are too tight, won't zip, and won't button. 

It causes this intense spiral of "welp, I am disgusting and a freak and weird" and then suddenly i am hating everything I own and everything I am. EUGH. Sorry to be that girl, "blah blah blah" right? who cares! snoozefest! 

You're probably not thinking that. I don't know though. I hate spewing out all this weird mush about my feelings, and things that are probably super personal. Who can i tell if not you guys? My readers, who I am convinced don't exist outside of my boyfriend. 

Anyways, I bought a halloween costume, that I was expecting to be so cute and sweet. Until I find out, I actually looked uncomfortable and strange. Sigh sigh sigh. Well, that is in the past now, the costume was changed last night and now all is well. 

Besides that, I am okay. Turning 21 soon! Exciting? I think so. I am going to say it is exciting because i don't want to even begin to think of it as anything other than positive, I might explode.  Work has been, okay. I have been feeling a lot of anxiety around work (when am i not?) and whether or not I am good at it.

God, today's blog has just been a big jumble of annoying things on my mind. Where is the positivity!! 

I don't know. Look for it in the next blog! 

See ya! ◡̈

The Bitch Of Living

Did I miss my calling? Was I meant deep deep down to be a musical theater kid? 

I say that like I wasn't. I was, very much so... the kid who is singing Hamilton in the laundry mat at my dad while he folds clothes. 

I always had a deep love for musicals. I think I can say it all started with my intense love of Grease. I mean I was a kid, maybe as little as elementary school singing to "Hopelessly Devoted to You" and dreaming of one day being as cool as Marty Maraschino  (like the cherry) knowing that deep down I was and always will be Frenchy. 

My sister will tell you it was Sweeney Todd. I think she'd say this because she had to endure all the nights of me practicing "Pirelli's Miracle Elixir" from the top bunk of our bed. This was one I had to learn to love. The songs I was always obsessed with, it was however, the blood I could not get behind. Even now, that is definitely a daytime film. Regardless of how scary, Ms.Lovett and her Worst Pies in London, will always be a terrible obsession of mine. Even now when I sing it, I will always have to get a little bit British with it... I mean, you can not sing it without a tiny accent. I am not even sure how I would do it. 

Then of course, Jersey Boys. My first ever show. I remember my sister asking me, "Aladdin or Jersey Boys" and young me said without hesitation "Jersey Boys" It was my first ever time going to a theater, in NEW YORK of all places and seeing a musical. Watching all the stage changes, hearing all the songs live and just seeing it. feeling it. It was so much fun. I left with an obsession for The Four Seasons and you better believe, I was a mess when the movie came out. Hey! One of the guys who I saw live was in the movie! That is a fun fact for you! 

In the 7th grade, I took part in Broadway SF's children productions. That is actually what I was practicing the Sweeney Todd song for. In true Marysela fashion, the night before I decided that I actually was not cut out for singing in a British accent in front of a ton of kids my age, so i practiced Hopelessly Devoted to You. Luckily, I rarely ever forget the lyrics to a song, so I was basically born ready for it. I went to my audition in a red mario shirt and sang my heart out. I want to believe that my audition is the reason we ended up doing Grease... alongside Annie and Newsies of course. I was even set to sing my own solo and everything. But I missed one of the "mandatory" practices for school and they decided I couldn't anymore. I was devastated and It is a burn i have yet to heal from clearly. 

As I got older, the theater kid never quite left me. I got really into Hamilton (Shout out my 8th grade history teacher) and that obsession is one that just has not left me at all. I have seen it twice live (soon three!) and watched the movie countless times, pirated and not. I have listened to the album probably 1000 times in my life. I still can sing every song on the spot, and am convinced if someone asked I could put on a one woman production. 

Every once in a while, I discover something new. The Last Five Years. Dear Evan Hansen. In the Heights, etc.  Recently, Legally Blonde. Don't even get me started on that. Elle Woods might actually be a dream role, but so is someone from everyone play I enjoy. I have a million dream roles. The MOST recent -  Spring Awakening. I don't know why it took so long!! I feel it may have been because it is a little bit heavy, with some very serious themes. BUT it is just too good. I mean come on Lea Michele AND Jonathan Groff. The Bitch Of Living. EASILY my favorite song in the entire musical. I think i have easily streamed it 10 times a day if not more. Sometimes in a row.  

I am a lyrics girl when it comes to music. Some of us focus on the beat, the rhythm and for me it is the lyrics. The song can SOUND terrible, but if the words are beautiful I do not care.  That might be the root of my love for musicals. The storytelling in the songs. Please tell me your sadness in the form of a catchy tune. I have never understood you more. I am addicted to clever lyricism, foreshadowing in songs, learning new layers of a character through the smallest of lyrics. I will forever be jealous of those who get to be in those roles. singing those songs. 

I don't have the voice to sing in a song, nor can i dance. I am just not cut out for it. That is okay. It will however.. not stop me from singing "Wait for It" at the top of my lungs in my room.  the desire to be reborn as a talented boy in another life, it is sick. All my top desired roles are played by men, sadly. Normalize gender bent musicals for untalented girls. I yearn to play a mediocre Usnavi! I need to be Moritz Stiefel!! I NEED TO BE REBORN AS ANDREW FELDMAN!! 

I am a musical theater freak. I am proud of it! 

- See ya! ◡̈

Everyone Adores You ( at least I do)

Three years.. 36 months. 157 weeks. 1095 days. 26280 hours. 

The number 3 is not very large. However, when you change into months, weeks, days, etc. It sort of becomes real just how long it is. What seems small, quickly becomes much more. 

This is how long I have been with my sweet boyfriend, who you are familiar with by now. 

This weekend, I spent all my time laughing and smiling with him Celebrating and reliving all those little things like the first time we saw each other, and our favorite places to sit and talk. It is a strange emotion, seeing all the places our relationship started, and how far we have come now. When we met, I was 17 and he was 18. I could have never guessed back then that we would be what we are now. A pair of 21 year olds (almost) equally, more in love than the day we met. As we shared old memories, I fought back turning into a puddle of tears. I am reminded that we will never be that young again, and those days are now nothing but sweet memories, stories to tell. Then, I turn and see him. smiling at me, and what is sad and sweet becomes excitement and joy because we have nothing but more memories to make together. It is only 3 years, we haven't even begun to make a dent in the lifetime we will have together. 

I am sure one day, I will share this blog and a skeptic will come along and say "pish posh, there is no way at 21, let alone at 17, you could have know HE would be the one" Maybe not immediately at 17, but by October 12th i was more than sure. 

There are few things in life you can count on. Things that will always stay consistent. One thing I know will never changing is what we have built here. The next thing is him. 

Always honest, and always kind. A friend to everyone he meets. Constantly laughing. Constantly smiling. Constantly dancing. Never mean, or rude, or judgemental. Thoughtful in a way most people aren't. Forever bringing light to a dark room., laughter in a silent one and love into everywhere he goes. 

I am glad to have spent the last 3 years the way I did. I am thrilled to spend so many more.

- see ya! ◡̈

p.s ilyttb 

Wanna Quit All the Time

  Are these becoming weekly? Not daily? Am I failing you my sweet readers? I apologize dearly. I have not had very much on my mind, or very much to say. 

I am just not feeling it lately. I think I am back in that whole "It has to be exciting or fun" kind of thing. I know that is not the truth. Especially because I have all of 2 (this number is generous) consistent readers. I know they really don't care if what i say is thrilling or fun at all. They are more just pleased to see any content at all, which is fair honestly. You check my blog, the least I can do is supply you with something new to read. I am sorry, I am not the blogger you thought I was, and like I said before : I will try to do better for you. 

So let me recap all the days we have been apart. 

Okay it has been a few days, more than a week... one day more but still.. okay let us recap! 

oh my gosh. I am thinking of what to say and I am completely blanking on what I did. This is so embarrassing. I really should be doing these blogs daily because I have no clue. 

What I CAN tell you about is this weekend. On saturday, I spent some time with my family. Like I do every weekend. My dad went out, which is honestly really rare for him. So when he tells my sister and I that he is even considering it in the slightest, we automatically jump straight to encouragement. So he went out and that meant that me and my sister got the house to ourselves. We hung out downstairs, and set out to do our individual activities together. A little parallel play if you will. I held up my end of the bargain, i DID in fact do what I said. She came down supposedly going to do homework... I put on one movie and she shut her laptop and was fully immersed for the next hour. My dad came home, she left and I went to bed. Saturday done. 

On Sunday,  I went to a clothing market. There is not much to say about that, It was a flop but I will assume it was because of how hot it was. Me and my sister then walked around Berkeley and browsed and shared a ton of laughs. We had lunch and ATE AT THE RESTAURANT. This probably is not a big deal for many people but me and my sister are big on "take the food home and eat on the couch with a movie on" I normally don't mind either way, but that is her preference and i have no complaints. So we ate, talked and gasped over the fact that the Super Duper uses PASTA STRAWS which still makes me very excited. I could probably dedicate an entire blog over how cool it is. We went home, we hung out and watched movies again and then parted ways at night so she could get ready for a date - woot woot!! 

Monday - It was back to work as always. It was so hot and it made me so mad. I could not stand it. There is something even more upsetting about being hot at work. The heat makes the kids so tired, to the point were their brains are practically turned off for learning and frankly, my brain is right alongside them. Still, we both did our best. I mean... I won't brag but I think I persisted much better than them. I have one kid who is really coming around to being my friend. Since having him in my class, I have really seen him come out of his shell. He hugs me when he sees me now! I genuinely feel like he is excited to be in the room with me and to learn, that is so special.  I have felt recently like I am forming a lot of unexpected bonds, I love it! ALSO, he is crushing it in class. Sometimes I had my excitement from the kids out of fear it'll spook them and shut them down, like "Why is this girl... smiling at me... for saying the sound of the letter "F"... she is so weird" I mean, i feel 80% sure they won't do that but... uno nunca sabe. 

Today it is  Tuesday, and I am in my night class. Boo hoo. Okay, actually it is fine. I think I like the class, and the content and I am going to be honest, my participation comes out. I love to participate here!!! Yippee!! I think I am bothered by how late it is, like why on earth am i here until 9:30. Doesn't matter. I am still here and complaining about it will not make magically move me home. 

Now you are all caught up with what HAS happened, and I will tell you soon about what WILL happen. I have a very fun weekend planned. I love you my loyal blog reader. Whoever you are reading this right now. 

see ya! ◡̈