Amor Eterno

i will never be able to watch a single movie, with a grandma passing away. i haven’t been able to for years now. i am sitting here in tears, watching in the heights, which may seem silly. but watching abuela claudia lay there in that bed, stare out into her busy living room, looking at the love she raised. i turn my head, and see my dad also in tears. we’re missing the same lady tonight. 

my sweet abue. growing up there was no bigger love, even now there is no bigger love! every day for so much of my life, i would finish my school day and go right to my abues house. she’d be sitting on the balcony, her balcony covered in 1000 flowers, and she’d stay on the phone with me as i walked up the block and there she is looking down over the balcony at me and yelling my name to say hi. i’d come upstairs and there’s already food for me, novelas on tv, and the biggest hug you could imagine. 

i spent every day with her, for so long. the day i had to be without her, i swear it feels like i felt it the hardest. it was not too long after christmas. It wasn’t until later that we realized that was our last Christmas as a family, that big. every year we piled in this small little apartment, family spilling into every hallway, every room, watching everyone open presents one by one. we didn’t do that again, we never will. for days up until her passing, i felt like i was in this weird denial, like she was going to get better. of course she was! she had to! she was the strongest woman ever, what couldn’t she do! I visited her almost every day after school, just to sit in hospital waiting rooms. i was in middle school, so as bad as it felt, my teen kid angst never let me feel it to its fullest. as i get older, the grief comes back in waves, some small and some like crazy tsunamis. 

i think back often to this one day where she was laying in her bed, in her sweet room, watching her shows. I came upstairs just for a quick hello, and she asked me to lay in her bed. I laid with her, and after a few minutes i said “sorry abue, i have to go! my dad is waiting” and she looked at me, holding me so tight, saying “nooo, quédate aquí!!” and i insisted that he was waiting, i had to go downstairs and go. it’s on days like this where i regret not laying there, lingering longer with her. 

but what good does it do, to wish for things that you can’t not have back? i miss her every day, but no amount of missing her will ever bring her back. 

my abue, te quiero mucho como chucho!

see ya! ◡̈