It Isn't Perfect But It Might Be

 Here is today's question: When did it become embarrassing to be in love? 

I wrote this blog a few days ago and then i deleted it cause i thought "meh, what if this is too real?" which honestly, i really regret doing that because it was a pretty good blog. Anyways, I remembered it doesn't matter! It is MY blog, so actually i can say and do whatever i want! 

so back to my question. i am what some might call a hopeless romantic, i am a lover of all things love. I am rooting for love in almost every single scenario. Some like to throw dirt at romantics like me because we can be a bit naive when it comes to love. I am not naive, i am well aware of the reasons why some people do not care for romance, or finding someone. that does not however, stop me from being hopeful!

and this is not to dismiss the power of friendship, and platonic love. I love friends and the idea of finding a soulmate in your childhood bestie. I am simply saying, i love romantic love too. 

I mean, i have always been this way. I've been dreaming of weddings since i knew what one was. I am not ashamed to say that. It is lovely, the idea that there is someone out there who loves you, one person, YOUR person! 

You all know my boyfriend, well this year will make 4 years. 4 years of endless love! Our entire relationship we have encountered people who attempt to diminish what we have. Some have even tried to convince us it is all fake... why would keep this act up for 4 years you guys? come on. It's just strange. When we first started dating, we had loads of comments about how our posts must be staged, or that we were lying entirely on social media about how we really felt for each other? Isn't that so silly? If people weren't seeing us as a fake couple, then they assumed we had to be glued at the hip to the point of becoming one person. We aren't allowed to share a smile from across the room because god forbid, how dare we subject people to us looking at each other? We can't talk to each other at a party without some weird accusation about getting freaky? Maybe we can manage to be friends, and people too you guys? 

But this has been going on for 3.5 years. Why?! it is always something. We can't share a kiss without some kind of cringe, or say something kind without repulsion. 

For 3.5 years, I have felt like I had some obligation to water down how I feel about my boyfriend for the comfort of others! Almost like, I have to keep it some kind of secret? Why does love have to be hidden to be real? I would like to be able to talk about how I feel about him without any assumptions that I am either bragging or over compensating for some really bad relationship. Has it crossed anyones minds that maybe I can just really like him? As a boyfriend, and more so as my friend? 

AND let me say this - for every hopeless romantic, there is a skeptic looking them right in the face. maybe skeptic isn't the word, realist maybe. I mean come on, Meg March and Jo March. Charlotte York and Miranda Hobbes. Rory Gilmore and Lane Kim. Manny Santos and Emma. We can go on forever. 

The only place you can really talk love is with another girl who really gets it! normalize loving unapologetically. 

Amor Eterno

i will never be able to watch a single movie, with a grandma passing away. i haven’t been able to for years now. i am sitting here in tears, watching in the heights, which may seem silly. but watching abuela claudia lay there in that bed, stare out into her busy living room, looking at the love she raised. i turn my head, and see my dad also in tears. we’re missing the same lady tonight. 

my sweet abue. growing up there was no bigger love, even now there is no bigger love! every day for so much of my life, i would finish my school day and go right to my abues house. she’d be sitting on the balcony, her balcony covered in 1000 flowers, and she’d stay on the phone with me as i walked up the block and there she is looking down over the balcony at me and yelling my name to say hi. i’d come upstairs and there’s already food for me, novelas on tv, and the biggest hug you could imagine. 

i spent every day with her, for so long. the day i had to be without her, i swear it feels like i felt it the hardest. it was not too long after christmas. It wasn’t until later that we realized that was our last Christmas as a family, that big. every year we piled in this small little apartment, family spilling into every hallway, every room, watching everyone open presents one by one. we didn’t do that again, we never will. for days up until her passing, i felt like i was in this weird denial, like she was going to get better. of course she was! she had to! she was the strongest woman ever, what couldn’t she do! I visited her almost every day after school, just to sit in hospital waiting rooms. i was in middle school, so as bad as it felt, my teen kid angst never let me feel it to its fullest. as i get older, the grief comes back in waves, some small and some like crazy tsunamis. 

i think back often to this one day where she was laying in her bed, in her sweet room, watching her shows. I came upstairs just for a quick hello, and she asked me to lay in her bed. I laid with her, and after a few minutes i said “sorry abue, i have to go! my dad is waiting” and she looked at me, holding me so tight, saying “nooo, quédate aquí!!” and i insisted that he was waiting, i had to go downstairs and go. it’s on days like this where i regret not laying there, lingering longer with her. 

but what good does it do, to wish for things that you can’t not have back? i miss her every day, but no amount of missing her will ever bring her back. 

my abue, te quiero mucho como chucho!

see ya! ◡̈

These Foolish Things (Remind Me Of You)

it is 3:43 and i am typing this out in the notes app of my phone. 

I am wearing a skirt you bought me for valentine’s day. i just ate a chicken pesto sandwich, you had turkey pesto for dinner last night. the coffee shop i’m at is playing the maria’s. 

these things remind me of you. 

i sleep in pj pants you picked out, on a stuffed animal you won for me. i lay in bed on my phone endlessly scrolling and finding things that would make you laugh too. the clip holding my hair you bought, the photos on my wall of us, the flowers in my room from you, cds of music you listen to. 

i hear a similar laugh, smell your cologne in the air, feel the breeze of a spring spent with you and im shot back 

you’re everywhere i turn, you’re in the clothes i wear, the things i eat, the songs i sing 

there is truly no escape from you, and i am glad 

- see ya! ◡̈

Anytime, Anyplace, Anyhow

 long time no write! My very last blog was in january, and in january i only did 3. So this one might be full of a lot of updates and rants. 

let's start with updates.. 

Izán got into Berkeley! Congrats to that sweetheart! I am always hesitant in sharing information like that because it is his to share and be proud, not mine! BUT, i am sharing because I am so excited because this means I am going to see him. a lot more and over the summer, so that is thrilling!! 

The next is not really an exciting update but i can write it and you'll read it because it is my blog. I have been watching sex and the city. So now when I write my blog, i am going to be pretending to be carrie bradshaw and you are reading my fabulous column. Maybe i channel that energy.. I began to wonder.... I started to wonder.... I asked myself... 

It is not as exciting to be a 20 something brown girl in Oakland as it is to be a 30 something year old white girl in New york. 

I just celebrated boyfriends 22nd birthday too guys! It was gorgeous and fun except for moments where it wasn't... but I am thrilled constantly to just celebrate and think about all the love there. He is such a kind and loving soul it is a pleasure always to love him!! 

Bryan, who is Izán's best friend from back home was there, which is always an absolute pleasure. It is always quite nice to catch up with bryan cause we don't chat much all three of us, even less just us two so it is such a special moment to. There are some friendships that truly defy the distant.... often times those are better than the "friends" in front of you. 

speaking of friends, Hailey got her masters like the diva she is. I often get that feeling of falling behind, especially when thinking of others my age but it is the opposite when thinking of Hailey. It is impossible to not be so overwhelmingly proud of her. She is so smart, lovely and above all a great friend. We have been penpals for the last month, currently a letter on the way, and I can not WAIT to receive it. It is such a simple and kind gesture we share together. I love female friendships that are pure of heart.

I finally saw sara after not seeing her since JANUARY the f***! honestly, i am not typing the curse word, cause i can not remember if i have cursed here before so i won't do it for the first time right now lol. I love that girl, thats ACTUALLY family, so it is just a connection that is glue no matter how long it has been. 

Now it is back to work, and back to routine. I am thrilled about that. 

I missed you blog! 

see ya! ◡̈