Change

 Hello.! We are 10 days into December, and I have yet to put out a blog! 

This one will be a little bit of a sad one and a bit personal - I am sorry in advance if this feels a little "woe is me" but... it is my blog, not yours! so if you don't like it... whatever. 

I went down a tik tok rabbit hole. I started off watching hair tutorials and then I found myself staring at these women, and as i scrolled and scrolled I got progressively more sad? 

I think to most people, I seem pretty confident. I put a lot of thought into the way I look, I think a lot about the clothes i wear, the way my hair looks, my makeup. all of it. Yet I can not remain happy with it. There is always something wrong. My hair is not as pretty. Makeup not as good. My body looks the way It looks. 

There is always someone prettier. Always someone cooler. Always someone skinnier. 

I fall into this endless pit of comparison Yet I am scared to change. 

I have this worry that if I change the way I look, especially my body, I am worried I will. hate looking back on my life now. I am scared I will become unrecognizable, and hate seeing all the memories and moments i have already lived. I have made so many beautiful moments, and I don't want to share them with the world one day and have people be confused as to how I could even look that way. 

SO I won't change, I am scared to. 

Yet I still can not stop. I can't stop the doomscrolling! I tell myself it is inspo! Inspo for who I want to be! But will I?? Will I be the cool girl, who dresses cool and is effortless? Wasn't this the problem in my first couple of blogs?? 

It is true what they say you guys. Comparison is the thief of joy. I am living proof. I am miserable because I am comparing myself to girls who don't even know I exist. I am consumed at the idea of looking like people I know nothing about. How do i enjoy myself for more than a day at a time? I don't even know how many times I have woken up, liked the way I look and then saw my reflection in a window and almost fell to my knees. How do i stop this? Will we ever figure it out?? 

i don't know - I hope the next blog will be happier. 

see ya! ◡̈