Nothing Matters

 Hello! Welcome to a segment of : Mars Lends A Hand! 

This is a new little segment I am trying out where I will go through the advice column on reddit, or maybe even speak to the people around me and give my 2 cents! I am not at all qualified, nor is it any of my business but..that might make it even better. 

Today's story is : Boyfriend Is Jealous About Events That Happened When We Split Up (:o) 

Here is the story for you to read and get the full context of :

 "My current boyfriend and I were split up briefly for about 3 months, and have recently got back together. The relationship renewal thus far has been fine and pleasant, we spend a lot of time together and forgave things that happened while we weren't dating. Unfortunately, a recurring topic he cannot seem to move past is me sleeping with other men while we were not together, which I was honest with him about. I guess I could've hidden this detail from him but I wanted to be transparent.

He has told me due to this "the relationship feels ruined" even though we have been doing well, and there hasn't been any arguments or issues. For further context, I was not the only one who had intimate relations with others during our breakup, and my boyfriend was the one who dumped me at the time. He is also the one who initiated this second shot at us trying our relationship over.

I guess I'm really just stumped, I love him dearly and I care for him. I just want to help him move past these feelings as I don't want us to breakup again. I believe he's capable of getting past these feelings, and I want to provide him help in any way possible. Any thoughts are appreciated, thank you."

OH WOW! So sorry to hear that queen! 

That is a tough one. I definitely understand and see the value of forgiveness. 3 months is a super long time, and I am happy there was some reconnection for you guys. Unfortunately, I am not surprised that not everything was forgiven. I think it is impossible to really assume that all will be forgiven and everything will be forgotten and it is all rainbow and roses. I mean you went from being together, to broken up and with other people, to back together? You can not help but wonder, and even be a bit frustrated at what happened in that void.

I do think that it is frustrating because you want to move on, and you want to pretend it didn't happen. I mean, what does it matter? you guys are back together! right? wrong! It still happened, and you can not erase that memory, and you can not ask him to pretend it didn't. happen. It will be there. AND he did the same thing too! and you'll never forget that either. I mean, you can say you're over it, and i'll pretend to believe you! My readers will too! We believe her right guys? Maybe you are over it, truly and honestly, but you will not forget it! you are human! and my worry is always that no matter what, in a heated argument, maybe in the distant future, you'll say "WELLLLLLL remember when you......" and then it is revealed that you actually weren't over it at all. 

So what can you do? My advice to you is to have an open and honest conversation with each other. You tell him honestly what happened and he will tell you honestly. Then say how YOU feel - phrase all of it as "I feel or I think" Do not blame, or assume what the other person said or did. Speak only from your point of view, what you did, what effect it had on you.. Listen honestly, do not be so quick to assume, finish the sentences or cut him off. When you have reached the end, you have finally reached a point of response, speak honestly. Acknowledge that you will not be able to erase that from the history of your relationship but you can also decide to let the bad outweigh all the good. 

Your relationship is a book, you can let this moment be one chapter and fill the rest with good, or you can let it be the end! How important is this moment? If you can not be willing to put it to the side, the both of you, i fear it may eventually lead to demise? How willing are the both of you truly to move on.?

see ya! ◡̈

p.s I would personally maybe not be able to continue the relationship but I will leave that up to you LOL! 

Sleeping With The Lights On

 My dreams are just dreams! my dreams are just dreams! Imagine I am saying that like girl in the Black Phone movie. You know the one. 

This past week I have had the most intense of dreams - I will spare you most of the details in case you are not a big fan of the gruesome but they are unfortunately terrifying. There is often a killer, and though he is not exactly after ME, i am still a potential target. For two of the dreams, I was inside a local movie theater. The other one started in the theater and ended in my home. 

I suspect the theater one began because of an unfortunate feeling i got in a theater on Saturday., . I was watching Heretic with my sister and from outside in the theater lobby, we hear a scream. Not like a "OMG!! i am having so much fun" scream but more like a "omg... help?" I instantly felt my heart drop. Do you remember the scary shootings that occured during the showing of the dark knight rises? or the threats made during the joker? I unfortunately DO remember, and it has sadly haunted me almost every day since. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I AM NOT SAFE AT THE MOVIES?! not that shocking though, we aren't really safe anywhere anymore huh. ANyways, i sat anxiously in that theater, thinking about it. I kept looking at the door, planning my escape, and sweating in my seat. Eventually i could hear laughing and crowds talking outside and came to the conclusion that it was PROBABLY okay. Anyways, the next day i took a nap. In this nightmare, I was back at the theater and something was happening. I remember running through the theater trying to exit but no matter what, i would end up right back in the same spot.. I eventually made it out and am now in the lobby scurrying to the restroom. For everyone else in the theater, the horror had already ended, they are all cleaning up and making their way out. I felt like i was still in it, I run to the bathroom, and ask a girl what happen - she tells me but i will spare you. Anyways someone starts yelling that he is back, and more upset, so i climb on top of the toilet and crouch hoping it won't be noticeable i am in there, except I was nervous the LOCKED bathroom door might give me away. I hear people yelling that there is a gun, and then I wake up. dream over. 

Last night, My dream started in the theater, I unfortunately forgot how but I ended up at home. Our neighbors had been by to tell us to stay safe, because whoever is out there doesn't care at all, and will do whatever. It becomes night, I am in my bedroom with my sister hoping that sleeping in the same room might put us at ease. i enter the living room hoping to see my dad being on watch, with his metal baseball bat in hand. UNFORTUNATELY he is asleep, absolutely knocked out on his bed. I look at our front door and it is open just a crack, and i quickly see a hand pull it shut from the outside - like they backed out. I run to wake up my dad and we go back into the living room and see him standing outside staring at us. Then he runs. to my bedroom window. and I wake up. Dream over. 

Am I okay? Be honest, I am actually can't stand it.. I know that I am just dreaming but I do not want to be dreaming like this. It leaves this sick pit in my chest, and I carry it all morning. Nothing happened to me, but it feels so real. I googled it and there was a lot about maybe feeling strange due to stress, or upcoming changes, i am not sure what it is but I am actually over it

Leave some tips for me in the comments if you have any - please.  

- See ya! ◡̈

She

 So, I started watching heartstopper. For anyone who hasn't seen it, It is basically a bunch of queer british highschool students learning to navigate their sexuality, gender and relationships for the first time. It is a very sweet show, and i have been really enjoying it. However, It does not feel 100% realistic for ME exactly, but i am sure it is for a lot of people, no shame to you if you resonate. 

I just never had a lot of it. I didn't really have the accepting queer friend group, where everyone knows all the same things, and is experiencing that same sort of discovery. I didn't even go to a highschool with more than like 10 (which feels like a generous number) of out people. I did not have some big beautiful awakening, no late nights chatting, no sleepovers, no best friends to confide in. I kept those thoughts to myself for the most part. 

I mean, it wasn't like some dirty secret, if people asked i told them - I'm bisexual. People rarely ever did ask, so it never really came up.

I did experience all of that sorta panic that girls talk about getting. that feeling of being friends with a straight girl, dealing with her doing the silly hand holding and telling everyone you're on dates and wanting to sit on your lap. to just come to the realization she sees you as nothing but a - friend. Unfortunately it is nothing but a canon event. No way around the feeling, but god I am all to familiar with it. Sometimes I'd play along. pretend it was all some silly flirtatious game we were playing and in a sick and twisted way, i played it up for boys too. I let them use my sexuality as some turn on, they'd ask me about my desire to be with a woman, and they'd smirk and I'd say "oh yeah! I would date a girl" and they'd get some weird heart eyes and drool over it. 

and I let them! I let them because even those they were making it weird, they were acknowledging me, as a girl who could feel that for another girl. To this day, it makes me sick. I let people make it such a joke that I never let it sink in that it was REAL. 

and now what? I have a boyfriend and truthfully, have only ever had boyfriends. So is it fake? this feeling? how could I possibly know? i mean, isn't that what they're always saying? deep down, i think a tiny part of me believes they could be right. Maybe I don't actually know. My boyfriend, I am sure will be with me for the rest of my life. I love him, so please do not interpret this as some desire to go out and find what i am "missing" I am not "missing" anything. I am just saying. 

I spent so much time with this internalized biphobia, something i didn't even realize existed, that I never had that big wow moment in my life. I am 21 and still trying to convince myself that I can be bisexual still. It has taken me so long to come to terms with it and I fear that part of me will forever fade away slowly. 

I don't know how to explain it right, I am worried my message isn't showing the way I hope it is. I just didn't know that It was possible, to have a community of friends, like in the show that understood you, who knew what it felt like to feel this way.. There was no accepting my bisexuality, no girls crushing on ME, no coming out. Now that I am in a relationship, no one needs to ask you what your sexuality is, you have a boyfriend! No one will ask, and no one will care to know. I no longer get to really share it, and i am JUST starting to understand it. 

Luckily, I have a boyfriend who understands, who was fortunate enough to have the friends that helped HIM understand, and he is helping me but I am a day late a dollar short. I missed out on my time for the teenage queer coming of age movie. I am just kinda bi marysela. 

if you are reading this, and questioning... it is okay if you are whatever you think you are. 

- See ya! ◡̈

For No One

i feel like a dog scratching at the back door.
i was about to start writing some huge poem, about the yearning, the craving, the begging i sometimes can’t help do
but i will spare you!
this was a short post, looks different from the rest of them too, i’m typing it on my phoneeeee. whatever! get over it!
…okay, i’ll fix it eventually when i’m home.
see ya!

update : it was updated :)

Sadness As A Gift

Hello Blog! 

It has been a long time since we last spoke. I have a few updates for you all! There is so much to share. 

First - Halloween was fun. I had two costumes this year, both pulled off pretty successfully. I even handed out candy with my sister! that was super fun, despite only getting 10 kids. It wasn't even really about how many kids came or didn't. It was nice to be there with her and my dad just laughing and hanging out. the quality time was definitely the real treat. 

My birthday was lovely. My sweet boyfriend and cousin threw me the greatest party any girl could've asked for! It was so sweet and so special. There wasn't very much drinking, which I was very happy for because I really don't care to. It was more about the time I got to spend with my friends. It was filled with yummy foods, silly singing and bonding. I got to do all the silly dances I use to do with my friends in middle school but now i was doing them with friends in my 20's and It was so sweet, a real full circle moment. It was the perfect party. Thank you guys again. On the actual day, I was celebrated by my family and my boyfriend. We went to the stinkiest rose in San Francisco and we ate dinner. It was everything I ever hoped The most garlicky meal in the most. beautiful way. The company was even better! Later that evening, I subjected by boyfriend to a game of scrabble and a long long viewing of In the Heights. 

At the end of my birthday,. I was gifted the worst gift possible. I don't know that there is much more to say. We all know what I am referencing. That sickening election. Once again, the nation proves that they will vote for the worst, like actually the worst,  man in the world before picking a woman. A woman a more qualified, and at the bare minimum, kind??. Now people everywhere are stuck in this sick emotional rut, fearful for their lives and the lives of those around them. How can we let a man filled with so much hate win again? How can there be so many people in the world with the same hate? It is sick. 

With all the good I got to have lately, I, like everyone, am reminded of all the bad that is simply inevitable.  

Hold your loves extra tight, use this time to speak up and educate those around you. 

See ya! ◡̈