She

 So, I started watching heartstopper. For anyone who hasn't seen it, It is basically a bunch of queer british highschool students learning to navigate their sexuality, gender and relationships for the first time. It is a very sweet show, and i have been really enjoying it. However, It does not feel 100% realistic for ME exactly, but i am sure it is for a lot of people, no shame to you if you resonate. 

I just never had a lot of it. I didn't really have the accepting queer friend group, where everyone knows all the same things, and is experiencing that same sort of discovery. I didn't even go to a highschool with more than like 10 (which feels like a generous number) of out people. I did not have some big beautiful awakening, no late nights chatting, no sleepovers, no best friends to confide in. I kept those thoughts to myself for the most part. 

I mean, it wasn't like some dirty secret, if people asked i told them - I'm bisexual. People rarely ever did ask, so it never really came up.

I did experience all of that sorta panic that girls talk about getting. that feeling of being friends with a straight girl, dealing with her doing the silly hand holding and telling everyone you're on dates and wanting to sit on your lap. to just come to the realization she sees you as nothing but a - friend. Unfortunately it is nothing but a canon event. No way around the feeling, but god I am all to familiar with it. Sometimes I'd play along. pretend it was all some silly flirtatious game we were playing and in a sick and twisted way, i played it up for boys too. I let them use my sexuality as some turn on, they'd ask me about my desire to be with a woman, and they'd smirk and I'd say "oh yeah! I would date a girl" and they'd get some weird heart eyes and drool over it. 

and I let them! I let them because even those they were making it weird, they were acknowledging me, as a girl who could feel that for another girl. To this day, it makes me sick. I let people make it such a joke that I never let it sink in that it was REAL. 

and now what? I have a boyfriend and truthfully, have only ever had boyfriends. So is it fake? this feeling? how could I possibly know? i mean, isn't that what they're always saying? deep down, i think a tiny part of me believes they could be right. Maybe I don't actually know. My boyfriend, I am sure will be with me for the rest of my life. I love him, so please do not interpret this as some desire to go out and find what i am "missing" I am not "missing" anything. I am just saying. 

I spent so much time with this internalized biphobia, something i didn't even realize existed, that I never had that big wow moment in my life. I am 21 and still trying to convince myself that I can be bisexual still. It has taken me so long to come to terms with it and I fear that part of me will forever fade away slowly. 

I don't know how to explain it right, I am worried my message isn't showing the way I hope it is. I just didn't know that It was possible, to have a community of friends, like in the show that understood you, who knew what it felt like to feel this way.. There was no accepting my bisexuality, no girls crushing on ME, no coming out. Now that I am in a relationship, no one needs to ask you what your sexuality is, you have a boyfriend! No one will ask, and no one will care to know. I no longer get to really share it, and i am JUST starting to understand it. 

Luckily, I have a boyfriend who understands, who was fortunate enough to have the friends that helped HIM understand, and he is helping me but I am a day late a dollar short. I missed out on my time for the teenage queer coming of age movie. I am just kinda bi marysela. 

if you are reading this, and questioning... it is okay if you are whatever you think you are. 

- See ya! ◡̈