Touching Toes

 Love, love, love, love, love.

How many times can i write about the same things?! I don't know why but when it pertains to izán, i can discuss it over and over and over again. 

I am just so in love. Today i stared at a photobooth picture we took this past sunday, and compared it to one from 3 years ago, when suddenly it hit me. We have been together for almost 4 years. we are growing side by side. In those 4 years, i have felt nothing but in love. You know, you hear about in movies and stuff, even real life, that sometimes people just fall out of love. People just stop, and I think before we met, I thought that was the norm. So when one year passed, and he was still into me... i was cautious, and pleasantly surprised. but then 2, and 3 and i knew i was madly in love and wouldn't you know, so was he. Now into 4 years, it has become clear, we are not one of those stories about a the tragic fading of a true romance, we are the long lasting soulmate story. I see him and I just know. There are so many moments where it feels almost like that slow-mo scene where the girl stares at the guy talking and laughing in the distance and it is at that moment in the movie you know who the love interest is. That is how our entire relationship feels!!!!

This relationship, this boy, has changed everything about love for me. Love is friendship, love is laughing, crying and talking all night. Love is being unapologetically you. Love is showing everything about yourself, good and even the bad, and instead of running and hiding, he asks for it all. tenfold. 

It is probably nauseating how much i can go on and on. Some days it can even feel embarrassing to wear my heart so publicly. But then, we spend. a simple sunday together and i remember that this is the entire point. What is there to do if not fall in love? I understand, it isn't all there is to life (for you single people reading this) but god it is beautiful. There is nothing embarrassing about this love, not even in the slightest. 

The Grudge

I am sitting here at my laptop, thinking of all the things i want to say and i am stuck at how to start.. Originally I wanted to start with something like "When i was younger I looked up to my mom" or "There was a time where we laughed, did our hair and shared stories" But there was none of that. I can't really think of one. 

As I am sure I mentioned, my parents got divorced when I was super young. A lot my early years were spent with my sister resenting her, her occasionally picking me up from school and half-assed hang outs. You know, when i was in elementary school, my dad went to starbucks every morning, and left me in the car to call my mom to tell her i was on my way to school. She rarely ever picked up, I listened to that damn "Sorry.. But the person you are trying to reach is not available please leave a message for ***-***-**** after the tone" That was how I memorized my moms number. I always thought "Wow she must be sleeping, it's okay" but as i am writing right now, I think she just didn't want to answer lol. I mean it isn't really funny but I started school at the same time every day, i called around the same time... so i don't know. 

My dad would drop me off with her, despite me not really wanting to go every time. We'd hang out, she'd buy me McDonalds and we'd sit in her apartment and watch a show for a few hours and then I'd go home. Never really anything crazy. Never anything planne.d. Never anything special. As I got older it became going to the mall, and buying me stuff. Which always felt like some weird way to prove herself. Like she bought me whatever I wanted, it must've been good. 

I don't know why I am telling you this. Like it is some sort of pity party. But I just feel hurt. I am 22 this year and still want my mom. I feel like a kid. But I do. I want her to call and text me, do mom stuff with me. Do my hair, or my makeup, or I don't even know. I want it, I do. But unfortunately, I have too much pride, and I am not going to beg my own mom to be my mom. I just wish sometimes she would be the parent, and acknowledge that me and my sister are great, and she's sucky for always missing out on how great we are. no thanks to her. I just feel like we have been doing this my whole life, I am exhausted. We deserve more. You are only across the bridge, just try. It is not impossible.