Waiting Room

 "bad days make good blogs" 

I was told that today. I wasn't really a bad day. I just sensitive, so it doesn't take much to kill my spirits. What is the absolute worst about feeling this way is i know that for the most part, it is entirely my fault. 

I fear I may be the most anxious insecure girl on the entire planet. Ok. I know that isn't true at all but it sure does feel that way. I am constantly afraid that someone is mad at me, or hurting me. I am worried that something is constantly happening outside of my knowledge and I will find out and look like an absolute idiot. I feel this in almost every aspect of my life. 

I feel like I am constantly begging for someone to notice this feeling in me. I am disguising this anxiety with passive aggressive comments, or bad attitudes at home. 

I am just worried that if i don't beg, it will never happen. Like if I don't call or text first, I will forever go unnoticed. I see it now in small ways. I feel like I can't remember the last time someone asked me about my day or how I was doing and genuinely meant it. When is the last time someone asked ME to hang out? I want to be wanted, not an obligation. 

I hate ranting like this so much. I feel like one of those sad little pick me girls who cry on the internet for attention. I'm sorry if it felt that way to read this. 

If anyone is familiar with Leith Ross' "I Just Don't Think You Like Me That Much Anymore" there is a line that says - 

" and i'm so embarrassed

i'm acting like a little kid again 

passive aggressive 

and practicing little tricks

watch me, i learned this for you" 

That is how it feels sometimes. I find myself creating this tension in hopes that it will lead to this big moment where someone is comforting me, and disproving this anxiety, rather than just saying i need someone to listen to me. 

anyways, I want to say I will try to write again soon but it is Jan 29th and I was only able to get 3 out this whole month.... sorry about that you guys! 

see ya! ◡̈