Waiting Room

 "bad days make good blogs" 

I was told that today. I wasn't really a bad day. I just sensitive, so it doesn't take much to kill my spirits. What is the absolute worst about feeling this way is i know that for the most part, it is entirely my fault. 

I fear I may be the most anxious insecure girl on the entire planet. Ok. I know that isn't true at all but it sure does feel that way. I am constantly afraid that someone is mad at me, or hurting me. I am worried that something is constantly happening outside of my knowledge and I will find out and look like an absolute idiot. I feel this in almost every aspect of my life. 

I feel like I am constantly begging for someone to notice this feeling in me. I am disguising this anxiety with passive aggressive comments, or bad attitudes at home. 

I am just worried that if i don't beg, it will never happen. Like if I don't call or text first, I will forever go unnoticed. I see it now in small ways. I feel like I can't remember the last time someone asked me about my day or how I was doing and genuinely meant it. When is the last time someone asked ME to hang out? I want to be wanted, not an obligation. 

I hate ranting like this so much. I feel like one of those sad little pick me girls who cry on the internet for attention. I'm sorry if it felt that way to read this. 

If anyone is familiar with Leith Ross' "I Just Don't Think You Like Me That Much Anymore" there is a line that says - 

" and i'm so embarrassed

i'm acting like a little kid again 

passive aggressive 

and practicing little tricks

watch me, i learned this for you" 

That is how it feels sometimes. I find myself creating this tension in hopes that it will lead to this big moment where someone is comforting me, and disproving this anxiety, rather than just saying i need someone to listen to me. 

anyways, I want to say I will try to write again soon but it is Jan 29th and I was only able to get 3 out this whole month.... sorry about that you guys! 

see ya! ◡̈

Better Than This

 I had my first boyfriend in the fourth grade. 

isn't that so weird to think about? I was a kid looking for "love". I should've been worried about multiplication or fractions or whatever. 

In highschool, I relied so heavily on relationships that I didn't have any real friends. admittedly, i was never the perfect girlfriend. I was always scared they were moving on, so i moved on faster. I was rarely ever alone. I won't put all the blame on myself either though. I spent long amounts of time with boys who used me, or just didn't care about me. Unfortunately, the trauma still runs deep there. 

It is almost 4 years into my current relationship, and still i find myself scared the way i was when i was 15. Not on my boyfriends part, in any way at all, of course. We talk, and he tells me how he feels, and I do the same. But after it all, I lay in my bed and can't help but feel like a teenager again. Wondering if I made a mistake opening up, if i should've been quiet, or more on his side. I remember all the times boys made me feel crazy, all the short one day break ups, all the silence and mean things said. I remember laying in the top bunk of my bunk bed silently crying into my pillow. wishing anyone would ask me what's wrong. I wondered if that was how love was suppose to feel. We argue, we fight, you say all the mean things, i take it and then you wave to me at school and everything is okay. now, when my boyfriend gets even a teensy bit quiet, or strange, or we get funky, i can feel my 16 year old self telling me "this is the end" and i prepare myself for the worst. That has never even been remotely close to the case for us, so why? 

why do i make myself feel so little? like every normal talk has to result in this gruesome and tragic end?? 

I think that I have convinced myself that i can only be loved if it's conditional. I know that isn't the truth but what if! 

anyways... see ya ◡̈

Do What You Want, Be What You Are

 happy new year! 

2025 has arrived. I am feeling a lot of mixed emotions honestly. I am excited because time is passing and things are changing but i am also feeling this strange sense of impending doom as one does. 

I am hoping that this year comes with many new and exciting changes. It is strange to feel like i am just nowhere near escaping the hands of time. I am starting to feel stuck, or behind in a way. everyone is changing and growing and moving on. I try to remind myself there is no right pace to move at but I don't know, you can';t help it. 

anyways, i am excited to get back to work and back to school. I am thrilled to be busy! I wish i had a little more to do but meh! it is what is. 

happy new year - love you all!